6 Weeks Later

A couple of days after we found out we lost the baby, I finally turned my music back on. The Desert Song was the first song that came on:

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

It was exactly what I needed to hear. In my life, especially the past few years, I have come to realize how sovereign God really is. He knows all and knows what is best. My simple mind cannot comprehend it all, but I have to trust in Him and His plan. Is it easy? Not always. Especially when things such as a miscarriage change your life in an instant.

Many of you have told me that I have an amazing faith. Not sure I totally agree with that. It has been a struggle all my life to completely trust that He knows best. I have made some difficult moves when I didn't want to, I have lost three babies before I could ever hold them in my arms, I have had to wait for my precious second child years longer than expected. More often than not, I was kicking and screaming along the journey. With this trial, I have just given in and decided I cannot control my life. My plans are not His. He does know what is best and who am I to question His will.

Does that mean I am just happy-go-lucky with it all? No. I struggle every day with this plan. I would be 21 weeks, fully embracing the maternity clothes that are still hanging in my closet. We would know the gender of our child. We would be planning when the house renovations would be taking place. Names would be thrown out for us to discuss what we would call this precious baby.

Instead, I wonder if it was all a dream. Was I really carrying a child for 15 weeks? Some days it is evening before I remember. Other days it is constantly in my thoughts. When I am home without reminders, I am usually pretty okay with it all. But when I go out and see pregnant bellies, I envy them and their discomfort. I turn my eyes away quickly in hopes that I will forget what I see and the pain will go away. I hear people talking about the anticipation of their coming babies and my heart aches. I see newborn babies in stores and in pictures with siblings and I desire for that to be our family. I hear about new pregnancy announcements and long for the day I can say those words again.

Am I handling my grief in a healthy manner? I am not sure. Probably not. I don't mind talking about it, but I feel cold so often when I am asked about it. Most of the time I am "doing okay." I don't think I have words for how I really feel. More times that not I am sad and envious. Sad for what I do not have and envious that others do. I appreciate those of you who continue to let me know you are thinking about me and praying for me. I love it when a friend notices it is my first time in worship and wraps her arms around me so I am not alone. I love texts out of the blue that say "I love you friend." The Lord is using each of you to minister to me when I need it most. Thank you.

If you fall into the category of newly announcing a pregnancy and I do not congratulate you it is because it is still too hard. If you are pregnant and I do not ask how you are feeling, it is because it is still too hard. If you have a newborn baby and I do not love on your little one or ask you how they are, it is because even that is still too hard. I trust the Lord, but I am human and my heart is still hurting. The good news is I know it will heal eventually. It will just take time. And when I have been healed (and even before), the Lord will use me. I will be able to minister to others because he has planned it all. For now I just ask for your patience with me while I wait for His best. Then we will both have an even bigger reason to worship.