If you haven't already, begin with Part 1: Our Family Plan.
Follow that with Part 2: The Process.
Part Three:
Infertility is kind of taboo. It’s there, but rarely do people want to discuss it with you. And in my situation, I was the only one going through it. Everywhere I turned my friends were having babies. I was happy for them, but so jealous it was not me. I had a hole in my heart.
What you may not realize about infertility is it is a grieving process. But unlike the death of someone close to you in which you grieve once, infertility is a grieving cycle that occurs each and every month. I have high hopes each month of getting pregnant, and then I hit the bottom when I find I am not. I grieve for two weeks and then decide we can try again. Hope builds and then two weeks later that one pink line stares you in the face, starting the cycle over again.
I hated living in this cycle. Therefore we did not “try” every single month. I couldn’t stand the let down all the time. It hurt way too much.
Where was God during all of this? I know in my head He was with me each and every step of the way. But in my heart I felt all alone. I felt abandoned by the Lord. I felt as if I were being punished for my lack of daily Bible study. I was angry and bitter toward Him. I did not understand why friends were getting pregnant without trying and I longed for another child and was still without hope.
I became more content with having only Lily. She is such a joy. It is an honor to be her Momma. And we began to enjoy her all the more. We were making plans of how we could enjoy her more, especially if she was our only. We did continue to on occasion have a “try’ for another one, but we tried not to be discouraged at the no.
That is until September rolled around. We had not “tried” for several months. We decided to give it a go. We had good feelings this time.
At the beginning of September I also started a new Bible study Can We Talk? by Priscilla Shirer. I had not been in the Word probably all summer. And it was hit or miss before then. As I mentioned before, I felt abandoned by the Lord, and therefore I did not feel the desire or need to be close to Him. But since these were “my girls” I decided it was about time that I jump in again with both feet. Even though I feel as though I have been left to fend for myself, I know that is not true. I was going to do the best that I could in growing closer to Him, even when I didn’t really feel like it.
Each week one of the girls would give her testimony. It’s week 3 and my turn. I am still not really into the study, but I am really giving it a chance. I am preparing my testimony and on that Monday, the day of Bible study, I learn I am not pregnant. All of those feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, confusion, etc. are rearing their ugly head. And of all the days, I am to give my testimony. Isn’t your testimony supposed to be about all that the Lord has done for you and brought you from and how much you love Him and desire to do His will? Well, that was NOT how I was feeling. And since these girls have walked with me for the past 3 ½ years, I did not feel like I could pretend.
I sat down and shared my heart with them. Yes, I shared the part about how God did save me, but the focus was more on where I was that day—rock bottom. I had been pushed off a cliff and I felt like I had been left to rot. I included all the ways I felt abandoned and unloved (even though I knew God loved me, I didn’t feel it). I told about my anger and bitterness toward Him and my jealousy toward others. Let me tell you, that room was silent. As I looked around the room, they were dumbfounded. I believe I caught them way off guard, but I had to be truthful. And do you want to know what they did? They loved me for who I was. They surrounded me, layed hands on me and prayed. They begged the Lord to open my womb. They did not judge, but encouraged me. I am eternally grateful for these women who stand beside me in my darkest of days and lift me up in prayer and love me. Looking back, it was an amazing evening. And it still brings me to tears.
Over the next few weeks, my relationship with the Lord grew deep. I desired to be with Him—in the Word and in prayer. I became content with where he had me and my family. I wanted to know Him and his plans for me, whatever they might be.
Sunday, October 17, 2010 is a day I will never forget. JD and I had been praying together about what our plans were for the future. On this day, we were approached by an acquaintance that needed to share something with us. He began by telling us the Lord had really been working in his life. He told us he was not a prophet, but the Lord had given him specific instructions to tell us something. This man was emotional, confused, and burdened at what the Lord had told him, but he was faithful to tell us. His words from the Lord were “If you humble yourself and fast and pray He will heal you, deliver you and give you the answers you seek. And He will show you HIS glory through this.”
Two days later we began our 3 day fast. We spent time in the Word, we were on our knees, and seeking Him as never before. Forty eight hours into the fast we received our answer.
The Lord has given us another child.
And I am here to tell you, that GOD is to receive ALL the GLORY!
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Process
If you have not already, begin with Part 1: Our Family Plan.
Part 2:
FYI: This may be more details than you want to hear. But infertility is a detailed thing. You have been warned.
In May of 2007, when Lily was 15 months old, we quit preventing pregnancy. Neither one of us enjoy the rigid “trying” for a baby, so we just waited. Many prime times during the first year JD was out of town (camps, mission trips, conferences, etc.), which does not help in getting pregnant, so I wasn’t too stressed when we were not pregnant after the first year. After about 15 months (Summer 2008), I did begin to worry. Ovulation tests were positive and basal temps were being taken without any luck. Lily was now 2 1/2. The first two pregnancies took 3 months each to conceive. What was taking so long? Shortly thereafter, I learned I was pregnant, only to miscarry at 4 weeks. I talked to my OB and he ran some preliminary tests. All were normal. JD was even tested. His tests came back with some slow swimmers. We assumed this was the problem, although they said we could still easily get pregnant.
In January 2010, we decided it was time to check out the infertility doctor. I had fears of them starting me on meds and having 8 babies. It was scary. And I was uneasy about where to draw the line between man-made baby and God given baby. But we decided to go and be examined, tested, poked, prodded and everything in between to see if we could find the answer to “why?”
Right off the bat, the doc wanted to start me on Clomid without knowing what exactly was wrong. The fears of having 11 babies were now knocking at the door. So I told him no. Clomid is to make you ovulate and my at home tests were telling me I already was. Why increase the chances of those 16 babies at once? Instead of meds, we just did lots of lab work and an ultrasound, draining our bank account by about $1,000. He was not thrilled about my choice in the drug matter, but it’s my choice. I wanted answers to try and fix the problem not a guess about what was wrong.
The results are in. JD is a-okay. He is NOT the problem. It is me. My poor ovaries were 40 years old (and I was only 32). The doc tells us if we are going to get pregnant we need to be aggressive with treatment and to do it now. He also tells us about a study their office is doing to test my uterus. We sign on the dotted line (it’s covered by a grant since it is for research-Praise the Lord). That next month I start taking Femera (a drug similar to Clomid, to help make sure I ovulate). Oh my. PMS for the five days I was on it. I was a mess! I then went in for the uterine biopsy. That was a ton of fun. And then I went in a couple of days later for an ultrasound to see how many follicles have been released. Let me back track a bit. The previous month I went for an ultrasound of the day of ovulation. That was on day 11, earlier than the typical day 14 for most women. Therefore after taking the meds in the second month I went in again on day 11 to see about the follicles. You want to guess how many there were? FIVE. What? And since I came in so early (and had not yet tested positive on the ovulation sticks), she really couldn’t tell me how many follicles would mature into eggs and how many would be reabsorbed. Really? My fears of having twins were just increased 2 ½ times!! I was freaking out. Now came the biggest decision, do we have the “timed intercourse” on the positive ovulation day and risk actually conceiving 5 babies, or do we wait? For the next week I was out of control and stressing about it while we were waiting for that positive test. Do we, do we not? JD finally said yes. And after all that stress, God said no.
And because of all that stress, we threw in the towel. I felt like I had wallowed in my own self pity for years now. And I was not being the best mom I could be to Lily. And the past month had been the icing on the cake. Well, that sounds too great. More like the scum on a dirty fish tank. It was the worst month ever. And most importantly, I did not have a peace about continuing with treatment after that negative pregnancy test. Therefore we spoiled Lily rotten; for a few days anyway. If she is our only child, we will enjoy every moment of it and not hold back.
Part 2:
FYI: This may be more details than you want to hear. But infertility is a detailed thing. You have been warned.
In May of 2007, when Lily was 15 months old, we quit preventing pregnancy. Neither one of us enjoy the rigid “trying” for a baby, so we just waited. Many prime times during the first year JD was out of town (camps, mission trips, conferences, etc.), which does not help in getting pregnant, so I wasn’t too stressed when we were not pregnant after the first year. After about 15 months (Summer 2008), I did begin to worry. Ovulation tests were positive and basal temps were being taken without any luck. Lily was now 2 1/2. The first two pregnancies took 3 months each to conceive. What was taking so long? Shortly thereafter, I learned I was pregnant, only to miscarry at 4 weeks. I talked to my OB and he ran some preliminary tests. All were normal. JD was even tested. His tests came back with some slow swimmers. We assumed this was the problem, although they said we could still easily get pregnant.
In January 2010, we decided it was time to check out the infertility doctor. I had fears of them starting me on meds and having 8 babies. It was scary. And I was uneasy about where to draw the line between man-made baby and God given baby. But we decided to go and be examined, tested, poked, prodded and everything in between to see if we could find the answer to “why?”
Right off the bat, the doc wanted to start me on Clomid without knowing what exactly was wrong. The fears of having 11 babies were now knocking at the door. So I told him no. Clomid is to make you ovulate and my at home tests were telling me I already was. Why increase the chances of those 16 babies at once? Instead of meds, we just did lots of lab work and an ultrasound, draining our bank account by about $1,000. He was not thrilled about my choice in the drug matter, but it’s my choice. I wanted answers to try and fix the problem not a guess about what was wrong.
The results are in. JD is a-okay. He is NOT the problem. It is me. My poor ovaries were 40 years old (and I was only 32). The doc tells us if we are going to get pregnant we need to be aggressive with treatment and to do it now. He also tells us about a study their office is doing to test my uterus. We sign on the dotted line (it’s covered by a grant since it is for research-Praise the Lord). That next month I start taking Femera (a drug similar to Clomid, to help make sure I ovulate). Oh my. PMS for the five days I was on it. I was a mess! I then went in for the uterine biopsy. That was a ton of fun. And then I went in a couple of days later for an ultrasound to see how many follicles have been released. Let me back track a bit. The previous month I went for an ultrasound of the day of ovulation. That was on day 11, earlier than the typical day 14 for most women. Therefore after taking the meds in the second month I went in again on day 11 to see about the follicles. You want to guess how many there were? FIVE. What? And since I came in so early (and had not yet tested positive on the ovulation sticks), she really couldn’t tell me how many follicles would mature into eggs and how many would be reabsorbed. Really? My fears of having twins were just increased 2 ½ times!! I was freaking out. Now came the biggest decision, do we have the “timed intercourse” on the positive ovulation day and risk actually conceiving 5 babies, or do we wait? For the next week I was out of control and stressing about it while we were waiting for that positive test. Do we, do we not? JD finally said yes. And after all that stress, God said no.
And because of all that stress, we threw in the towel. I felt like I had wallowed in my own self pity for years now. And I was not being the best mom I could be to Lily. And the past month had been the icing on the cake. Well, that sounds too great. More like the scum on a dirty fish tank. It was the worst month ever. And most importantly, I did not have a peace about continuing with treatment after that negative pregnancy test. Therefore we spoiled Lily rotten; for a few days anyway. If she is our only child, we will enjoy every moment of it and not hold back.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Our Family Plan
This is a three part story about how our family has grown into what it is today. It has been a journey. Come and join us.
Part 1:
When John and I married, we discussed having four kids, probably two years apart. We wanted a large family and we wanted the kids close together. We had been married for 5 months when John started seminary. Living in a two bedroom, 600 square foot house on one income, paying for grad school, meant having children was on the back burner. And that was okay for us. Three and a half years after we were married, John graduated and two months later we moved cross country to start his first full time job in ministry. After being in the Southeast for 6 months (January 2005) we learned I was pregnant. Two weeks later, on February 13, 2005, we lost our first baby. We were devastated. And we told very few people. I tend to bottle up my emotions to remain strong and steady on the outside for others to see—I like to call this pride. Only three months later we learned we were again pregnant. I was anxious. Each and every minute of the day I worried about miscarrying again. This time, God allowed us to carry home a sweet and beautiful baby girl in February 2006, almost a year to the date we lost our first child.
When John and I married, we discussed having four kids, probably two years apart. We wanted a large family and we wanted the kids close together. We had been married for 5 months when John started seminary. Living in a two bedroom, 600 square foot house on one income, paying for grad school, meant having children was on the back burner. And that was okay for us. Three and a half years after we were married, John graduated and two months later we moved cross country to start his first full time job in ministry. After being in the Southeast for 6 months (January 2005) we learned I was pregnant. Two weeks later, on February 13, 2005, we lost our first baby. We were devastated. And we told very few people. I tend to bottle up my emotions to remain strong and steady on the outside for others to see—I like to call this pride. Only three months later we learned we were again pregnant. I was anxious. Each and every minute of the day I worried about miscarrying again. This time, God allowed us to carry home a sweet and beautiful baby girl in February 2006, almost a year to the date we lost our first child.
Now that our first child was in our arms, we knew we would wait until she was 15 months old to start trying for baby number two, because I wanted to get to know her, but also wanted to keep on our plan of having our kids 2 years apart.
Oh, how I didn’t know what the Lord had in mind for our family.
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