God's Faithfulness

If you haven't already, begin with Part 1: Our Family Plan.
Follow that with Part 2: The Process.

Part Three:

Infertility is kind of taboo. It’s there, but rarely do people want to discuss it with you. And in my situation, I was the only one going through it. Everywhere I turned my friends were having babies. I was happy for them, but so jealous it was not me. I had a hole in my heart.

What you may not realize about infertility is it is a grieving process. But unlike the death of someone close to you in which you grieve once, infertility is a grieving cycle that occurs each and every month. I have high hopes each month of getting pregnant, and then I hit the bottom when I find I am not. I grieve for two weeks and then decide we can try again. Hope builds and then two weeks later that one pink line stares you in the face, starting the cycle over again.

I hated living in this cycle. Therefore we did not “try” every single month. I couldn’t stand the let down all the time. It hurt way too much.

Where was God during all of this? I know in my head He was with me each and every step of the way. But in my heart I felt all alone. I felt abandoned by the Lord. I felt as if I were being punished for my lack of daily Bible study. I was angry and bitter toward Him. I did not understand why friends were getting pregnant without trying and I longed for another child and was still without hope.

I became more content with having only Lily. She is such a joy. It is an honor to be her Momma. And we began to enjoy her all the more. We were making plans of how we could enjoy her more, especially if she was our only. We did continue to on occasion have a “try’ for another one, but we tried not to be discouraged at the no.

That is until September rolled around. We had not “tried” for several months. We decided to give it a go. We had good feelings this time.

At the beginning of September I also started a new Bible study Can We Talk? by Priscilla Shirer. I had not been in the Word probably all summer. And it was hit or miss before then. As I mentioned before, I felt abandoned by the Lord, and therefore I did not feel the desire or need to be close to Him. But since these were “my girls” I decided it was about time that I jump in again with both feet. Even though I feel as though I have been left to fend for myself, I know that is not true. I was going to do the best that I could in growing closer to Him, even when I didn’t really feel like it.

Each week one of the girls would give her testimony. It’s week 3 and my turn. I am still not really into the study, but I am really giving it a chance. I am preparing my testimony and on that Monday, the day of Bible study, I learn I am not pregnant. All of those feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, confusion, etc. are rearing their ugly head. And of all the days, I am to give my testimony. Isn’t your testimony supposed to be about all that the Lord has done for you and brought you from and how much you love Him and desire to do His will? Well, that was NOT how I was feeling. And since these girls have walked with me for the past 3 ½ years, I did not feel like I could pretend.

I sat down and shared my heart with them. Yes, I shared the part about how God did save me, but the focus was more on where I was that day—rock bottom. I had been pushed off a cliff and I felt like I had been left to rot. I included all the ways I felt abandoned and unloved (even though I knew God loved me, I didn’t feel it). I told about my anger and bitterness toward Him and my jealousy toward others. Let me tell you, that room was silent. As I looked around the room, they were dumbfounded. I believe I caught them way off guard, but I had to be truthful. And do you want to know what they did? They loved me for who I was. They surrounded me, layed hands on me and prayed. They begged the Lord to open my womb. They did not judge, but encouraged me. I am eternally grateful for these women who stand beside me in my darkest of days and lift me up in prayer and love me. Looking back, it was an amazing evening. And it still brings me to tears.

Over the next few weeks, my relationship with the Lord grew deep. I desired to be with Him—in the Word and in prayer. I became content with where he had me and my family. I wanted to know Him and his plans for me, whatever they might be.

Sunday, October 17, 2010 is a day I will never forget. JD and I had been praying together about what our plans were for the future. On this day, we were approached by an acquaintance that needed to share something with us. He began by telling us the Lord had really been working in his life. He told us he was not a prophet, but the Lord had given him specific instructions to tell us something. This man was emotional, confused, and burdened at what the Lord had told him, but he was faithful to tell us. His words from the Lord were “If you humble yourself and fast and pray He will heal you, deliver you and give you the answers you seek. And He will show you HIS glory through this.”

Two days later we began our 3 day fast. We spent time in the Word, we were on our knees, and seeking Him as never before. Forty eight hours into the fast we received our answer.

The Lord has given us another child.

And I am here to tell you, that GOD is to receive ALL the GLORY!