He GIves and Takes Away

Over the Christmas holidays we were able to share some exciting news with our family and friends. We are adding another baby to the family! This was a bit of a surprise as it was so difficult for Max to join our family. But despite the surprise, we can't wait to hold another little one in our arms.

Throughout the weeks of nasty evening sickness (that was so much worse than with Lily and Max combined) we began to dream and plan what our lives would be like with three. It would be busy! Homeschooling the oldest and having a toddler and a newborn would be a challenge, but I was honored the Lord thought I was up to it. Our house is small, so we began to plan out "operation fruit basket turnover". Max and Lily would be sharing a room. We had found some bunks that we wanted to go look at for the shared room. I had "pinned" some ideas for room colors. JD and I were both ready to find out what we were having (*GASP*) so we could better plan for the post newborn future. Would we have two girls sharing a room or two little boys?

Monday morning, January 7th is a day I would love to forget. I went in for a routine appointment at 15 weeks. I was back up to my start weight after losing a few pounds the first trimester. The nausea finally had subsided. And my belly was starting to pouch out as it grew. All seemed great until the doctor started looking for a heartbeat. At my last appointment, it was easy to find. This time he tried and tried but couldn't hear anything. He said this wasn't uncommon at this stage in pregnancy and sent me to have an ultrasound. The doctor didn't seem worried at all, so I tried not to be either. While I waited, JD and I were talking and he said I could find out the gender if I wanted, even without him. It would be something to enjoy all on my own. But the longer I waited the more reality started to sink in. What if?? Then she called me into her room. This tech is really good at her job from what I hear, but her bedside manner could use a little encouragement. She asks me to hop up on the table and nothing else. She starts taking a look, pushing buttons, moving the probe all around. Then she storms out the door. Not a word left her mouth. My heart starts pounding. I feel like my body is bouncing off the table it is beating so hard. I am all alone in this room. Overwhelmed with what I know in my heart is about to be spoken to me. She returns with the doctor behind her. I ask what is going on and then those words I will never forget, "She can't find a heartbeat." He then takes a look to make sure and then asks me if I want to see.  I had kept it together so far, but when I saw my baby, lifeless, on the monitor, I no longer had control. This same baby, just 4 weeks prior, had been moving all over the place. All he could say was "I am so sorry." And I knew he meant it. He was so sincere and compassionate.

After we talked a couple minutes more, I had the task of calling JD to tell him. When he answered the phone I lost all composure.

Surgery was scheduled later in the week. The nurses were incredible and compassionate. My friends loved on my babies for hours while we were gone. Other friends brought food and hugs and groceries and playdates for my children. The body of Christ came and wrapped their loving arms around us and supported us during some dark days. They were the hands and feet of Jesus to our family.

I have seen God use trials in my life before to bring glory to Himself. And I KNOW that He will be faithful to do the same with this. I know His plans are good, but I just don't understand. But I can't see the big picture as He does. And one day, if not on this earth in His presence, I will know why. But until then, I must continue to be faithful to Him. I know He loves me and desires the best for me and for some reason, this is a part of His plan.

I know there will be some tough times ahead. Due dates, baby showers, newborn babies, pregnancy announcements...it will all be hard. But the Lord is good and He will sustain me and get me through each day because when He takes away, He always gives.